Kitty Allen - On the Floor

475 Pound Carbohydrate Captured & Incarcerated

2011-10-26T14:23:00.000-07:00

475 lb Pumpkin Under Arrest

This enormous carbohydrate was caught on the scales of a local pumpkin contest, attempting to win a prize as the heaviest harvest item in town. Blatantly posing as a healthy holiday dessert item, this imposter was bound, carted, and jailed for intent to contribute to America's obesity epidemic. In addition, this contestant did not win the contest. The heaviest pumpkin, and subsequent prize winner, weighed in at 1400 pounds!

Consumer Consumed...OR...Black Friday/Cyber-Monday Equals Manipulated On Both Days

2010-12-03T10:47:00.000-08:00

Holiday Shopper Suffers Sudden MRSA Attack
& Is Quickly Devoured by Flesh-Eating Shopping Bag
_________________________________________________________________
Black Friday

Off we go to the shopping show.

Please Lord, a bargain today.

For I must buy with a well-trained eye.

A tool, a toy, and a tray.

Good God, she's there first.

That shrew was the worst.

In the line while we shivered at four.

How did it happen? From where did she come?

That bitch must have crashed through the door.

Oh well, let her nab it.

Or go over and grab it.

In the end, you really won't care.

Cause there's always much more, on the huge vinyl floor,

Of your town's discount main shopping lair.

__________________________________________________

Cyber Monday

Logon. Do not dally.

There's a cyber-rally.

Twixt E-bay, Yahoo, and Bing.

Ten percent off. A special reward.

For every non-sensical thing.

______________________________________________________________

Equals Manipulated On Both Days

So, shop till you drop.

Go up over the top,

And quickly down Credit Card Mountain.

But pay off your loan. Owe zero. Or moan,

When you're trapped in the Finance Charge Fountain.

by KJ Allen

12/3,5,&7/2010 & not yet herded, per above.

Get Thee to the Gym...OR...Can You Compete with Olga?

2010-11-30T10:36:00.000-08:00

Olga Kotelko - 91 Year-Old Canadian Trackster

Should you have any doubt as to the value of physical exercise, I recommend a moment spent reading the latest Sunday New York Times Magazine article on Olga Kotelko, "The Incredible Flying Nonagenarian." Currently living In Vancouver, this elfin powerhouse is "knocking off world record after world record in outdoor masters track championships for older tracksters.

Olga Propels the Shotput

Having grown up on a farm in Saskatchewan, Olga did daily chores, played softball, taught school, raised two children, retired from teaching in 1984, and gradually got back into sports in a serious way by re-visiting softball and hitting the gym for up to three hours a day. (Some of this sounds familiar...) She is now attracting the attention of researchers specializing in exercise and gerontology.

Olga Launches the Javelin

It's a fascinating, inspiring, detailed and extensive article that's complete with photos and video. To explore it further, please access The New York Times Online: www.nytimes.com and select the Sunday Magazine for 11/28/2010. You'll be rewarded with a great read and a rewarding human interest story that just might inspire you to join the gym, reunite your old softball team, or hire a personal track coach.

Olga Hurls Her Kettleball Your Way

Bonda Boom

2010-11-29T11:26:00.000-08:00

Bonda Restaurant
75 Hillside Road
Fairfield, CT 06824
www.bondarestaurant.com
203.292.9555

Having opened in August, 2010, Bonda Restaurant (formerly Abbondanza of Westport, CT) is filling up its parking lot in the Greenfield Hill Shopping Center on a nightly basis. Situated between a gift shop (The Country Mouse), a wine shop, and near a dog grooming salon, Bonda offers creative cuisine prepared by owner/chef, Jamie Cooper.

Flying Electrolux Coming Your Way!

2010-11-17T10:55:00.000-08:00

Early Electrolux Vacuum Cleaner (1921 Model V) with User/Rider and Sail

If you are one of a smattering of select individuals residing on my diminishing holiday card recipient list, you will take delivery of an early model Electrolux Vacuum within the next 3 to four weeks. Brace yourself...and your mailbox. These old canister matrons are heavy!

I'm not sure how the vintage appliance will be decorated or wrapped, but be assured it will arrive holiday-appropriate. Guaranteed to add cheer & curiosity to your home throughout the entire 2010 Yule season.

A bit of background information on Electrolux:

From this--1912 Early Model Electrolux

To This--2010 "Vac from the Sea Initiative"

Two of Five New Vacuums from the Sea Comprised of Ocean Plastic Waste

http://www.electrolux.com/

Starting out with a single vacuum cleaner, after 90 years of innovations and acquisitions, the Electrolux Group today is a global leader in home appliances and appliances for professional use.

Embellish Your Organ with Scentsy

2010-10-25T08:14:00.000-07:00

Cathedral Pipe Organ with Traditional Candelabra

Looking to add warmth, subdued lighting, atmosphere, heavenly scents, and a bit of ceramic pottery to the interior of your own fine home and furnishings? Look no further. You've found "Scentsy", a 21st century alternative to the scented candles that proliferate home furnishing stores and cosmetic departments everywhere.

Scentsy wickless candles, comprised of wax cubes that melt in a molded stylish and lighted ceramic container, offer attractive design and over eighty different scents from which to choose. A creative alternative to the traditional candelabra (see photo above) and to most varieties of wax candles in sconces, Scentsy offers a safe, attractive and easy way to add subdued lighting with fragance to any area within your home.

Theatrical Organist, Homeowner, and Satisfied Scentsy Customer

For the purchase of Scentsy products and to view a copy of the latest online catalog, please contact Deb Witt at:

www.debwitt.scentsy.us

Warren Allen - All About Jazz

2010-10-22T06:47:00.000-07:00

Warren Discusses a Musical Review of John Zorn with Robert (French Bulldog and Curator of Marrow Bones)

Warren Allen, a second year student at Brooklyn Law School, can tell you anything you want to know about jazz. Just ask him--or better yet--take a look at his many articles on All About Jazz www.allaboutjazz.com, an online music journal to which he publishes on a regular basis.

Dave Fulman (Fellow Sax Player & Friend) & Warren Visit the Village Vanguard Jazz Club in New York, NY www.villagevanguard.com

Warren Visits "Upstairs" in Montreal, Canada www.upstairsjazz.com

Warren Outside The Jazz Standard in Lower Manhattan--a Regular Haunt www.jazzstandard.com

Listening to Big Band Jazz in San Francisco, CA

An excellent writer with a degree in communications from Boston University, Warren has played alto saxophone throughout high school, college, and beyond. He maintains an active interest in listening, critiqueing, and appreciating jazz in all of its many forms.

Dining at Del Posto

2010-10-20T10:34:00.001-07:00

Warren and KJA

Norm and KJA
Visiting Del Posto in September, 2010

In lieu of a visit to a Connecticut diner on a Saturday night, we made reservations for the annual wedding anniversary dinner (26th!!) at Del Posto www.delposto.com on Tenth Avenue in lower Manhattan. A wonderful dining experience--one of our best in Manattan in a long time. Terrific food, expert service, beautiful interior (large and on two levels), and subdued live jazz piano background. In fact, I had to look carefully to find the piano and its player (tucked under the stairway). This spot is topnotch--dine there when you can! Be forwarned--reserve a month in advance or go when most New Yorkers are out of town (summers and holiday weekends).

Welcome to the White Plains High School Library

2008-11-24T11:35:00.000-08:00

WPHS Library - Main Floor

Working with Students - Fall 2010

I work as a Library Media Specialist for the White Plains High School Library in White Plains, New York. I've been employed here for seventeen years. For the most part, it's a great job with a wonderful collection of people. For more information on the White Plains School District and, specifically, on our high school library, please visit our website:

www.whiteplainspublicschools.org

To access the high school library website from the district website (address/link shown above), please follow these procedures:

1. Click on "Schools and Programs"

2. Click on "High School" (from left frame)

3. Click on highlighted "White Plains High School" (within the first paragraph of text and under the picture & telephone numbers)

4. Click on "Library" from the choices across the top of the screen

You've found us. Enjoy the website!

The Snowshoe Cat

2008-11-07T11:15:00.000-08:00

The Cat with White Shoes

The cat with white shoes

Was heard singing the blues

In a voice quite annoying to all.

The cat with white shoes

Was seen reading the news

As he knelt in his box near the wall.

The cat with white shoes

Settled down for a snooze

Upstairs where the air was most warm.

As he purred with content

Curled over the vent

A bee buzzed by with its swarm.

The cat with white shoes

Leaped up to peruse

The bee, the swarm, and the singing.

The cat with white shoes

Suffered painful abuse

As his nose became target for stinging.

The cat with white shoes

Erupted with mews

That frightened most vespids away.

The cat with white shoes

Used his claws, made his dues.

He murdered the bee on that day!

K.J. Allen

11/10/08

(virtuoso cat organist for the infamous Phrygian Feline Ensemble)

Halloween 2008 - Friday, October 31st

2008-10-31T06:50:00.000-07:00

Bobby's Bad Boy Bawdy Bridal Boutique

Manhattan Halloween - Greenwich Village Parade

There is a young man in high heels

Who works nights giving chemical peels

He performs with his honey

In leather for money

And trips on his veil for his meals.

K.J. Allen 10/31/08

Wine of the Week - d'Arenberg The Dead Arm 2001 McLaren Vale Shiraz

2008-02-12T06:48:00.000-08:00

d'Arenberg

The Dead Arm 2001 McLaren Vale Shiraz

www.darenberg.com.au

Imported by Old Bridge Cellars, Napa California

www.oldbridgecellars.com

Wine Ratings:

88 points - Wine Spectator 1/04

98 points - Robert Parker 8/03

Since 1912, four generations of the Osborn family have tended their 19th century vineyards and cellars at d'Arenberg, located in the hills just north of the township of McLaren Vale, on South Australia's Fleurieu Peninsula.

Dead Arm is a vine disease caused by the Eutypa lata fungus which randomly affects vineyards all over the world. Often vines with its symptoms are severely pruned, replanted, or abandoned. At d'Arenberg, they consider Dead Arm to be a natural part of vineyard life. One half, or arm of the vine, slowly becomes reduced to dead wood. That side might be lifeless and brittle, but the grapes on the other side...

Although these Dead Arm-affected Shiraz vines are considered by local grapeowners and winemakers as having "one foot in the grave", these truncated gap-toothed old vines have been producing small bunches of highly flavored grapes since the late 19th century.

Each year, small parcels of Shiraz from the Dead Arm blocks are vinified separately from other Shiraz at d'Arenberg, being gently glided through the cellars by fourth generation family winemaker, Chester Osborn. After hand-harvesting the very small berried, low-yielding fruit, it is then gently crushed by the open-mouthed, rubber-toothed 'Demoisy' crusher and pumped into traditional, headed-down open fermenters where the traditional foot-treading in wader-clad feet takes place. A week or so later, the still fermenting Shiraz is gently pressed by the 19th century 'Coq' and 'Tregoning' basket-presses into new and first use American and French oak barrels for 22 months of maturation before blending and then bottling at d'Arenberg.

Natural minimum processing ensures maximum flavor which may result in a harmless deposit in, and adhering to the bottle. This is the eighth vintage of the Dead Arm Shiraz to be released, and the vintner is confident that it will benefit from further bottle age and decanting.

Horrors in Restaurant Background Music - # 3 A Digression

2008-02-08T08:28:00.000-08:00

www.hilltopsteakhouse.com

The Announcer

On the north shore of Boston, there is a famous and vast steak house that illuminates the neighborhood and Route 1 with a giant green neon cactus. Ravenouse beef eaters stand three-deep in snake-like lines that wind around a large enclosed entrance, then up a stairway through a second floor lounge. To target the trough at this eatery, you must hear your name called along with your respective assignment to any of many pseudo-western city-named dining rooms. To the diner already seated, ambient noise is constantly interrupted by a raspy-throated senior citizen who shrieks into her pulpit's attached microphone, "Cox for five in Sioux City!" This shrill commandment from on high reverberates through both floors of the establishment and is repeated incessantly,with each rendition becoming louder, angrier, and more emphatic.

"Cox.....for.....Five.....in.....Siouuuuux .....City .....!!!!!"

I'm waiting for the cactus to implode.....

Horrors in Restaurant Background Music - Worst Offender # 2 The Opera Singer and the Theme from Star Wars

2008-02-06T08:36:00.000-08:00

The Opera Singer and the Theme from Star Wars

What percentage of our population has even a mild appreciation for opera, let alone opera sung with meals?

During a recent visit to a local Italian restaurant (hint to Westporters: seating for twelve), vibrato gone wild from the vocal chords of a mezzo-soprano filled the cozy dining room as we placed our order.

"I'll have the salmon," I said to the waiter. The soprano screamed, held a particularly long high note, and cascaded her aria down a major scale into a trill. I thought she minght have been stabbed. My son then ordered a mixed seafood linguine entree. A timpani commenced recurrent pounding while a gong's blast almost sent the dining room's speaker into our bread basket.

Not to worry. The Theme from Star Wars begins as soon as the final operatic chord endures its lengthy fermata. How do I know? We've been here before and have heard the soundtrack so often that we know the sequencing.

Gluttons for punishment? Perhaps. But I still prefer to avoid the stove.

Wine of the Week - Tommasi 1997 Amarone della Valpolicella Classico

2008-01-29T08:25:00.000-08:00

www.tommasiwine.it

Produced in limited quantity from Corvina, Rondinella, and Molinara grapes. Carefully selected from only the top and sides of the bunch and left on trays for five months before vinification. All in accordance with traditional methods in the Valpolicella Classico zone.

Per the Vino Vizier--"A very good year and a rich, balanced, and age-worthy eleven-year old wine. Compliments rich food such as red meats and pastas with sauces."

We enjoyed this wine over the weekend along with a dinner for two in Marty Levine's Westport, CT restaurant, Pane Vino. www.restaurant.com/microsite.asp?rid=18071 Though we brought the wine with us and paid a modest corkage fee, it was worth it. It paired beautifully with our food. We are frequent patrons of this restaurant, and we've always enjoyed the food, the staff, the service, and the overall ambiance--especially when we're seated in one of the two front bay window tables. And better yet, the background music is always unobtrusive.

Horrors in Restaurant Background Music - Worst Offender #1 Revolving Organist at the Spaghetti House

2008-01-25T08:23:00.000-08:00

Prime Example of a Revolving Organ

(missing pedestal and organist)

The revolving organist at the spaghetti house (as experienced in a Saugus, Massachusetts Italian family restaurant) peeks my curiosity. For I always wonder when the electrical cord of the organ will get caught in the rotation mechnism of the pedestal. At this point, the two ton maple monument should be yanked over backwards to topple onto the floor with a grotesque THUD and a final dissonant chord.

Organ Foot Pedals with High-Heeled Foot on Volume Pedal

I then see the foot pedals in a state of shock--loudly clicking and spastically gyrating up and down on automatic pilot as a power surge blows one final electrical charge through the fallen windbag.

written by Kitty Allen in 2004

in reflection on Boston University off-campus graduate school dining experiences

Horrors in Restaurant Background Music - Overview

2008-01-25T06:59:00.000-08:00

Underwater Restaurant with Background Music of Solo Orca Whale

Having tried to perfect the art of avoiding the stove, I have corralled my family into many mis-guided dining adventures. The food is important. But we evaluate a dining experience by comprehensive criteria. Our lasting impression involves atmosphere and includes several considerations: appearance of the dining room, quality of service, type and quality of cuisine, physical proximity of tables and neighboring diners, location of our table, lighting, and the restaurant's choice of background music. More than one, all facets of our dining experience have been overshadowed by one abomination...intrusive and horribly inappropriate background music. Even painful background music. Why is it so difficult to pump innocuous instrumental tunes into the sound system, turn the volume down low, and let diners converse and devour in peace? We diners know enough to choose other destinations if we want to attend musicals, if we want to dance, if we want to hear concerts or even announcements. Background music should live according to its name...in the background.

Please read and enjoy some of our all-time worst offenders as they are individually posted in the blog.

Overview and Offending Examples written by Kitty Allen

during winter of 2004

after bolting an Italian restaurant that broadcast arias interspersed with the Theme to Starwars

Foghorn and the PH2000

2008-01-23T08:22:00.000-08:00

Foghorn

Ralph Farnsel guided his long arms into his red quilted vest, pulled the green John Deere hat over his head, and nervously ran out the door toward the henhouse. It was 4:45 on a Friday morning in April. Ralph was a poultry enthusiast who ran a small-scale almost boutique-like operation outside of Ellijay, Georgia. He was also the proud owner of Foghorn, his champion Plymouth Rock rooster. Foghorn had started out as a 4-H livestock project, raised by his 14 year old son, Harvey. He was as close to a pet as a chicken could be. As Foghorn matured, he instinctively began to welcome every sunrise with an hour of recurrent vocal blasts that were the loudest cacophony ever heard by any poultry farmer in that part of Georgia. Foghorn had won several ribbons at the county fair. He had even been immortalized in oil with a studio portrait commissioned by Fanciful Fowl Exotics. Even so, Ralph was the recipient of many complaints due to his rooster's loud and incessant crowing. It had angrily been suggested to Ralph during one morning call that he might want to consider recording Fogorn. The caller went on to suggest that any day now, the plumaged living alarm clock would blessedly no longer be heard. The call had been laced with expletives, had ended with a phony sounding "buck-buck-buck-bedawk," and had been followed by a loud clunk as the telephone receiver was slammed down onto its cradle.

This morning Ralph had not yet heard Foghorn. Taking the calls seriously, Ralph had planned for the possibility of "fowl play". Because Foghorn was a purebred prizewinner, he had been eligible for health insurance through the Veterinary Pet Insurance Company's Avian and Exotic Plan. When the bird was six months old, Ralph had purchased a policy. Three months later, and one day after a particularly testy caller identified himself as The Colonel, Ralph had added a generous life insurance allowance for his irreplaceable bird.

The PH2000

This morning as Ralph neared his henhouse, he turned to the right and gazed at the farm of his neighbor, Clyde Fatchett. Off in the distance near Clyde's chicken coop, he saw the unmistakeable presence of a PH2000, a mechanical chicken harvester. Over the past year, chicken companies including Tyson and Perdue Farms had invested in scores of these machines, each averaging a price of over $ 200,000. Ralph stared in fascination as hundreds of Clyde's white birds were slowly swept onto a low metal ramp that glided back and forth along the ground. The ramp gently nudged the birds onto a platform, and as more birds arrived on the ramp, they pushed one another toward a conveyor belt. Swoosh! Each bird was whisked along the belt and into a small compartment. Then a burst of air shot every bird through a metal chute where, within seconds, it came to rest, still upright, inside a wire cage. Known to be more humane to the birds than human chicken catchers, Ralph marvelled at the wonders of this technology. He was also extremely relieved that his livelihood did not depend on subjecting his birds to such an apparatus.

Ralph quickly moved on to his henhouse, checked the fencing surrounding his chicken yard, and looked for signs of unwanted visitors. He had recently reinforced the fence and he checked it daily for loose wiring, holes, even stretches. An additional two inches of opening in the fence would easily admit dreaded weasels, skunks, foxes, and other sly characters prone to decimating his proud flock. Yet he saw no evidence of disruption in the fence or savagery in the chicken yard. But neither did he see his flock of Plymouth Rocks. Nor did he see or hear Foghorn.

He walked to the back of the chicken coop and stopped dead in his tracks. As he gazed in amazement, each of his black and white speckled birds took a turn at jumping off a small ledge and out an open window. The birds then tottered along in single file toward Clyde's farm, appearing to want to join their neighbors in solidarity on the ramp of the PH2000. As Ralph looked to the front of the parade, he caught a glimpse of Foghorn flying up and over the fence separating the two farms. Foghorn led the pilgrimage and was only inches from the chicken catcher's ramp. His harem of loyal and devoted hens followed to obediently meet a similar fate.

Within seconds, Foghorn neared the ramp and appeared to be caught with several of Clyde's smaller birds. But he dangled at the very edge of the ramp, and was then somehow rejected by the machine. He was tossed high up into the air, somersaulting completely over the sweeping ramp like a punted football. He landed upside down in a small mound of grass with one leg pointed straight up. The other leg was bent and dangling. Both looked like odd variations of a television antenna. Ralph heard a shriek from Foghorn. Then the bird was uncharacteristically silent and still.

Hudson

Ralph pursed his lips and whistled with all his might for his bearded collie. Hudson, who had been on the enclosed porch nibbling a breakfast of kibble and meats, bounded out the screen door and joined Ralph within seconds. They both ran full-speed toward the prize birds. Hudson darted this way and that amidst the flock, nipped at claws and legs, and within three minutes, had Ralph's flock back in their own chicken yard, pecking irregularly at the dirt for insects, and unaware of what the ruckus was all about this morning. Ralph, concentrating on Foghorn, had run to his pickup to grab a flannel blanket that he kept on the passenger side of the bench seat. He raced over to Foghorn, gently wrapping him in the blanket. He lifted the full-feathered body while being careful not to touch either stick-like protruding yellowish leg and claw.

A quick call to Foghorn's avian veterinary specialist had Ralph speeding down County Road 120A while the doctor prepared his instruments and mixed the necessary compounds to form a hybrid leg brace and cast for the disabled rooster. Foghorn's pointed thick beak would also have to be trimmed and he would probably have to wear a customized wide Elizabethan collar around his neck to keep himself from picking at, nibbling, and breaking his cast.

Foghorn proved to be an excellent patient. Though highly sedated during the re-setting of the leg and the attachment of the cast and brace, Foghorn gratefully accepted his treatment. He easily adaped to his wide white collar, and even found a way to rule the henhouse without roosting on the highest rafter or supervising his hens from his crowing position on top of the barnyard fencepost. As time passed, the leg healed and finally the collar, the brace, and the cast were removed.

Healing was one hurdle. Prancing through the barnyard and flying to the morning announcement booth was another. Foghorn needed therapy to learn how to walk again. Ralph and his veterinarian made some calls and found that technology had entered the rehab arena for pets, especially well-known prizewinners with viable insurance policies. Foghorn would need to be relocated for four months, but there was every likelihood that after this time, he would gain full control of his walking abilities. There would be no obvious limping. He would be able to crouch, and probably even curl his healed limb up under his body, appearing to rest hypnotically on one pedestal, as almost all fowl does throughout the course of any day.

Ralph paid his deductible, drove Foghorn to the Newburgh Veterinary Hospital in Pennsylvania, and checked into a modest motel for two weeks. Meanwhile, Foghorn acclimated himself to a routine of gentle exercises, therapeutic massage, and daily sessions on the underwater treadmill. The underwater treadmill was offered as an exercise tool for animals that were overweight or old, and as a state-of-the-art rehab tool for injured animals and those coming off surgery. Perfect for Foghorn. An initial session had proved unsettling. Foghorn had flown up out of the shallow waterl and had nested in the bouffant hairdo of his therapist. He had dug in hard on her scalp, pulled at clumps of her hair with his beak, and completed his attack by latching onto her metal hoop earring. He yanked it out of the poor girl's ear and hurled it across the room. Ralph was quickly scheduled to participate in psychological sessions with the bird, which were deemed necessary before the underwater treadmill therapy would continue.

Finally it was concluded that Foghorn would be fully rehabilitated. He would need to use the underwater treadmill to strengthen his weakened legs, gain full motor control of his feet and claws, and re-adjust to his sense of balance. He spent four months in various therapies. Most successfully, he learned to wear a tiny life-vest that was strapped to his chest whenever he entered the pool for an underwater treadmill session. So attracted did he become to walking underwater with his vest on, that upon his successful completion of therapy, Ralph took the vest back to Georgia along with Foghorn. To this day, Foghorn swims at mid-day wering his life-fest, and he dutifully pierces the spirit of each morning with his shrieking vocal alarm. What he has not resumed, however, is his occassional foray into neighbor Clyde's henhouse. Coming in contact with the PH2000 has taught him to mind his own backyard and to be content with what he has at home.

written by Kitty Allen during winter of 2006

The Arachnid

2008-01-17T11:32:00.000-08:00

The Spider spins her fragile web

with patience and precision

in unswept corners,

between rocks, weeds, or twigs.

The sticky threads flow from her mouth,

east and west, north and south,

over and under, in and out,

patterns of silent perfection.

With four pairs of legs she moves about

the main roads and side roads,

and bridges stout.

Her throne is the center of this intracacy,

Somewhere nearby a cocoon she will weave,

The future of her species here to conceive.

The orb becomes her Camelot.

With eight eyes she keeps a lonely watch,

Waits for vibrations of an insect's invasion,

Ensnares the small victim with her sticky silk,

Draws its life fluids and sips her fill,

Cuts, sweeps, and seals the pantry clean,

ready for another kill.

Hundres of insects her appetitie demands,

Cannibalistic to mate if hunger demands.

Protection from pests to plants she provides,

Eyepiece of a microscope her silk the crossline,

An enemy, the wasp, her greatest fright,

When disturbed, fights back with only a small bite,

No wings for escape does nature provide.

The Camelot becomes her tomb.

A lesson in perserverance and tolerance is she,

Little creature,

The arachnid,

Serves humanity.

written in 1996 by

Eunice Jacob

(Mom)

1925-1998

Car-tastrophe

2008-01-07T08:00:00.000-08:00

TO: Lloyd Blasterbuss, Analyst,

CT License # OB-NOX-US 1

FROM: Irma Barnabee, Parking Services Conformity Clerk

SUBJECT: ILLEGAL ENTRY INTO CORPORATE PARKING GARAGE

It has been brought to our attention that on Friday, October 9th, you committed an illegal form of entry into the corporate parking garage. By entering the facility in reverse, and by further dismembering the entrance gate, you deceived both our parking services security guards as well as our electronic gate pulsar alarm mechanism.

We can only assume that upon your departure on this day you also drove away in reverse and, we might add, at an excessive rate of speed. Though 55 mph may be the speed limit on Interstate 95, it is simply impermissable when operating an automobile on sloped curvatures (our ramps) and within a private corporate garage.

Our video detection system verified that a late model Loudi 8000, fitting your car's description, did indeed back out of the garage entrance and further continued to operate in reverse while traveling on Reverend Street at speeds slightly in excess of 55 mph.

Please note that we are forwarding a copy of this incident report to the Payroll Department, whereby it will be reviewed for possible corrective reimbursement. Once the replacement costs of the gate have been totaled, we will be in further contact with you. If legitimate explanation for this divergent behavior is presented, we may consider waiving the replacement costs. We do feel, however, that this is highly unlikely and would constitute the optimum in corporate tolerance of deviant employee behavior.

In addition to the above violation, we are deeply concerned with the safety record of your automobile. Due to the publicized record of events stemming from the operation of the Loudi 8000, along with your individual incident on October 9th, we have established a task force properly named the "8000 Self-Accelerators." Weekly meetings will commence on Monday, November 2nd, and will run from 6:00 to 7:00 PM throughout the month of November each Monday evening. During these meetings, you and five of your peers are to document full safety improvement evidence regarding this automobile.

Because we are considering a policy stating that all Loudi 8000s may park in the garage only in vertical stance, it is imperative that you prepare your information as thoroughly and as quickly as possible. We do not want to re-align and partition vertical parking spots if it is not an absolute necessity.

Thank you for your cooperation and for your prompt concern in this issue. We look forward to hearing from you.

I. E. Barnabee

written by Kitty Allen

1989

in homage to Connecticut corporate commuters on I-95

Co-workers, Cars, & Commuting

2008-01-07T06:26:00.000-08:00

Why is it that, no matter where you work or what type of position you hold, there is always at least one insufferable co-worker? One person, who, in any number of ways, drives you to the consideration of harvesting designer tomatoes for fun and profit?

In reminiscing on a series of corporate systems analyst positions I held for several years, one such individual surfaces. This person had all the answers. He was unwaveringly punctual. He was lean and he had hair. He was reasonably well-educated and articulate. He also had an adequate knowledge of the firm's business processing systems. But he was incredibly nasty. During meetings, suggestions by co-workers were responded to with a curl of the lip, a snort, and an excruciating verbal laceration. Passing him in the hall elicted the robotic reflex action of a raised elbow, an arm curved toward an eye with cocked brow, and an elongated blance toward his watch to let you know that your suspected morning arrival time fell under the term "tardy." He was also a master of the shun. In greeting him with a polite "hello," you could wait a career for any response.

One morning he expounded at length on the entertainment he received by watching a woman merge onto the Connecticut Merritt Parkway and immediately be hit by an oncoming car...his. It took three months for him to collect insurance, to research the market, and to provide himself with a worthy replacement. Curiously, he purchased a foreign model that subsequently became infamous for independently shifting into drive and lunging foward, no matter what the operator had in mind.

The man suffered a severe shortage in several aspects of humanity and compassion. How does one work with such a "team player?"

One could mysteriously "memo-rize" him...or one could hope that his "talents" were soon to be recognized and that he would be transferred or promoted.

Please refer to Car-tastrophe, posted directly above.

written in 1989 by

Kitty Allen

during a coma-inducing corporate department meeting

in Stamford, CT

2008-01-04T08:31:00.000-08:00

THE PREACHER MAN

He drove into the small town,

a little, five foot preacher man.

He walked the village streets with

a Bible in his right hand,

and his left hand raised in a fist.

He stood on a platform

in the pulpit of the church,

and looked down

on the dwindling congregation

of men, women, and children.

For no coasting members were welcome

if he was to be in charge.

"PAY UP!

ATTEND!

OR BE CHECKED OFF THE LIST!"

That was the message of this preacher man.

Mothers of wayward daughters were chastised,

and told to confess and repent,

Or face the wrath of God and live in sin.

On Good Friday----

Dressed in striped blue coveralls,

simulating a common working man.

He dragged a seven foot wooden cross

up the center aisle,

And dropped it with a LOUD THUD!

"SIT UP AND LISTEN!

TAKE HEED!

YOU'RE NOT CHRISTIANS!

THIS CHURCH IS SINKING!

I, ALONE, AM TRYING TO RESCUE IT!"

A large, plate-glass window

in the door of the church,

Expanded from the heat of the sun's rays,

or was it the fire of his condemning words?

It burst from its frame

and fell to the floor

with a splintering CRASH!

"IT'S THE HAND OF GOD!

HE SPEAKS TO YOU!

DON'T YOU HEAR?

YOU'RE DOOMED!

THIS CHURCH WILL FALL!

THE TOWN IS FULL OF SINNERS

WHO WILL NOT SUBMIT!"

And the poor frightened parishioners

turned to each other,

looked up,

and said,

"Dear God, in Heaven,

Are we really that bad?"

written on 1/16/98 by

Eunice Jacob

(Mom)

1925-1998

Corporate Dedication Above and Beyond

2008-01-02T11:16:00.000-08:00

To: H.B. Piccolo, Training Analyst

From: L.B. Dewitter, Human Resources

RE: Requesting Your Participation in Family Open House Day - May 1988

In planning for the annual spring Family Day Open House, we are anticipating a critical shortage of volunteers. Therefore, we are choosing certain individuals who maintain exemplary employment records and a noticeable sense of loyalty to act in the company's behalf.

Please accept your appointment as a dunkster. Your scheduled booth is located in Tent B, Lot#1, and your assigned donation of time will run from 11:00 AM until 1:00 PM. Be forewarned that dunking tubs for this year's events will average approximately twelve feet in depth. In addition, a major attraction of your required apparel is the eighty pound ball and chain that will be lightly padlocked to the dunkster's ankle. In that our tubs have a glass-enclosed frontal exposure, the novelty of this corporate entertainment event really demonstrates comedy at several levels. First, the dedicated employee is accidentally immersed. Second, your peers and their families will watch in suspense as you attempt an unlikely escape.

We look forward to your ongoing participation in our annual Family Day Open House, and we especially thank you for your donation of your personal weekend time to this year's entertainment.

written by Kitty Allen

during the spring of 1988

and in response to the corporate familty open house invitation, which encouraged all employees to spend their Saturday in a local high school auditorium watching trained parrots ride bicycles

The Women's Fitness Edge

2006-12-18T11:32:00.000-08:00

NOTE: Unfortunately, The Edge Fitness Club for Women (shown above in the Saugatuck/Westport, CT location), closed its doors several months after this post was originally written. The Edge Fitness Clubs (www.theedgefitnessclubs.com) however, are very much alive and well. They operate in several locations throughout Fairfield County, CT and are opening a new and extremely large facility in Fairfield, CT on Tuesday, November 23rd, 2010.

With locations in Milford, Stratford, Fairfield, Westport, Norwalk, and Greenwich, The Edge Fitness Club members are welcome to use any location. Classes are varied and many teachers are excellent. A few teachers who stand out (in my opinion) include Marie L. (Norwalk and Fairfield locations -- Edge Flex and Flex classes), Meagan O. (Norwalk and Fairfield locations -- Spinning), Ned G. (Norwalk and Fairfield locations -- Yoga), and Paula S. (Norwalk location -- Yoga). Please check the website link shown above to identify specific schedules for these instructors, as well as other teachers and classes affiliated with the club. After accessing the Home Page, click on Group Exercise, choose your club location, and then choose your class and teacher.

Updated on November 16th, 2010 to reflect club location changes.

Originally written in 2006 after joining the club and finding it vastly superior to the tempermental treadmill located in her basement.

Welcome, Houseguest

2006-12-15T11:30:00.000-08:00

Come in. Take your shoes off.
Here are slippers to wear.
Don't fit? I'm so sorry.
Leave them there by the chair.

Wear your socks.
Oh, you're cold?
Well, the floors can't get dirty.
It's winter. There's snow.
The floors, they must glow.

Now, here is your room.
It's at fifty degrees.
Extra blankets, ten pillows.
I don't think you'll freeze.

Sit here.
Let me feed you.
Don't ask what or when.
You'll get what I fix for my party of ten.

And should you desire to go out on your own.
Go ahead.
There's a bus.
Past the hill and ice zone.

You say you'll be back.
Well, be here by eight.
We're eating. You're meeting my pals.
Don't be late.

What's that, you've got chills?
Your nose and throat hurt?
Too bad. Just stay quiet.
We'll both just deny it.

What? You want to leave early?
And, wow, you sound surly.
Well, do go ahead.
But, please make your bed.

Oh, and please come again.
Do let me know when.

Five words I relay.
In hotel I will stay.

written by Kitty Allen
after a trip to Boston and

the flu that followed

winter 2005